After 25 years of sitting with parents, I’ve noticed something. The parents who help their children find their voice are the ones who first find their calm.
You don’t need a psychology degree to understand this. You just need to recognise yourself in what I’m about to share.
The Three States Every Parent Knows
1. Safe and Social (Your Green Zone)
This is you on those rare good days:
- You can think clearly about next steps
- You actually laugh when they tip their juice (again)
- You handle the Tesco meltdown without losing it
- You feel genuinely present, not just going through motions
- Your child actively seeks you out for connection
What I see in my clinic: When parents are in this zone, children attempt more communication. Every single time.
2. Fight or Flight (Your Yellow Zone)
This is most of us, most days:
- Everything feels urgent (the EHCP deadline, the therapy waitlist)
- You snap at your partner over nothing
- You’re making dinner while googling speech exercises
- Your shoulders live near your ears
- You desperately want to fix everything NOW
What happens: Your child’s meltdowns increase. Words they had yesterday vanish. Progress stalls.
3. Freeze or Shutdown (Your Red Zone)
This is you after too many hard days:
- You feel numb at the school gates
- You’re physically present but emotionally gone
- You want to hide from the WhatsApp groups
- Even coffee doesn’t help
- That voice says “you’re failing them”
The pattern I see: When parents hit this zone, children retreat further. They stop trying. We lose ground.
Why This Matters More for Your Child
In my 25 years as a speech therapist, I’ve learned something crucial: children with communication differences have incredibly sensitive nervous systems. They’re like little barometers, reading your internal weather before you even know it’s changed.
I ask parents to track this:
- When you’re rushing for school drop-off, what happens?
- When you’re anxious about their assessment, how do they respond?
- When you have a genuinely calm Saturday morning, what emerges?
The pattern is always the same. Your state shapes their capacity. This isn’t blame – it’s biology.
The Bandwidth Bridge
Think of your nervous system like a bridge.
On good days, it’s strong and steady — you can handle traffic, detours, and even the odd breakdown.
But when you’re exhausted, stressed, or overwhelmed, that bridge feels narrow. One more car and it might buckle.
Your bridge narrows when:
- You haven’t slept through the night in months
- The NHS waitlist keeps growing
- Family members don’t understand what you’re dealing with
- You’re trying to work and be a full-time advocate
- Another meeting ends with no clear answers
Your child’s bridge can also feel shaky when:
- Their senses are overloaded
- Their routine shifts suddenly
- They can’t say what they need
- They pick up on your stress (yes, they feel it too)
The goal isn’t to have a giant, unshakable bridge.
It’s to notice the warning signs early, and know how to lighten the load before things collapse.
Recognizing Your Early Warning Signs
Body Signals
- Shoulders creeping up to ears
- Jaw clenching
- Breathing getting shallow
- Stomach tightening
- Heart racing
Thought Patterns
- “I can’t do this anymore”
- “Why won’t they just try?”
- “Every child at playgroup is talking except mine”
- “I’m failing them”
- “What if they never speak?”
- “I should have done more”
Behaviour Changes
- Rushing through everything
- Talking nonstop or going silent
- Avoiding other mums at pickup
- Scrolling Facebook support groups at 2am
- Deep-cleaning the kitchen or letting everything go
- Cancelling playdates
The Co-Regulation Dance
Your nervous system and your child’s are in constant conversation. This isn’t about blame – it’s about biology.
When you’re regulated:
- Your breathing is steady
- Your voice is calm
- Your movements are purposeful
- Your child’s system says: “Safe”
When you’re dysregulated:
- Your breathing is erratic
- Your voice is strained
- Your movements are jerky
- Your child’s system says: “Danger”
Creating Your Safety Anchors
You need realistic ways to find calm. Here’s what actually works for busy parents:
30-Second Resets (Yes, Really)
- Both feet flat on floor, press down firmly
- Name 5 things in your kitchen
- Three breaths where exhale is longer than inhale
- Hands around warm mug of tea (British solution to everything)
- Step into the garden, even in rain
Daily Anchors
- Morning breathing before kids wake
- Transition rituals between activities
- Evening body scan in bed
- Regular meals (yes, eating is regulation)
- Consistent sleep routine (even if broken)
When Understanding Isn’t Enough
Knowledge is powerful but practice is what changes patterns. You might understand all this and still find yourself spiraling. That’s normal. That’s human.
What matters is:
- Noticing without judging
- Returning to calm when you can
- Repairing when you couldn’t
- Trying again tomorrow
This Week’s Practice
I’m not asking you to be calm all the time. I’m asking you to notice:
- Which zone are you in right now? (Be honest)
- What triggered the shift?
- What’s helped you before?
That’s it. No fixing. No guilt. Just gentle noticing.
A Final Thought
Every parent in my clinic worries they’re too stressed, too anxious, too something. But here’s what I know: your nervous system is trying to protect you and your child. It’s not broken. It’s overworked.
Your calm isn’t about being zen while your world falls apart. It’s about finding your way back to centre, again and again. That’s what your child needs to see – not perfection, but recovery.
You’re not failing. You’re human. And that’s exactly what your child needs.