The Meltdown Decoder (Because Guessing Makes Everything Worse)
Written by Hulya Mehmet, Consultant Speech & Language Therapist
The Day I Got It Completely Wrong
Picture this: Soft play centre. My son Dilan on the floor, screaming. Me, the “expert,” saying firmly: “No Dilan. We don’t scream for biscuits. Use your words.”
Another parent touched my arm. “I don’t think he wants biscuits. Look at his hands over his ears.”
She was right. It wasn’t a tantrum about biscuits. It was a meltdown from the music. I’d been setting boundaries when he needed rescue.
That’s when I learned: Getting it wrong makes everything worse. But once you can tell the difference? Game changer.
Meltdowns: When Their Brain Says “I’m Out”
What’s Actually Happening
Your child’s nervous system is screaming: “DANGER! TOO MUCH! ABORT MISSION!”
Their thinking brain literally goes offline. Won’t work – CAN’T work. Like trying to do maths while your house is on fire.
What It Actually Looks Like
The buildup you missed:
- Extra flapping/stimming
- Getting quieter or louder
- Seeking sensory input (crashing, spinning)
- More rigid about routines
Then BAM:
- Eyes look “gone” – nobody home
- Can’t hear you anymore
- Body takes over – fight, flight, or freeze
- Continues even if you offer the moon
- Afterwards: Confused, exhausted, sometimes can’t remember
Real Triggers (From Real Families)
The Obvious Ones:
- Tesco on Saturday (lights + noise + people = NO)
- Socks with seams (“feels like knives” one child told me)
- Fire alarms (special place in hell)
- “Five more minutes” turning into twenty
The Sneaky Ones:
- Thursday afternoon (week’s stress accumulated)
- After holding it together at school all day
- When routine changes without warning
- That one sound nobody else notices
- Excitement (yes, even good stress is stress)
What Actually Helps (Learned the Hard Way)
During:
- Get them somewhere darker/quieter if possible
- Sit nearby but don’t crowd
- Breathe loudly so they can hear your calm
- Say nothing (or max 3 words: “You’re safe”)
- Protect them from hurting themselves
- Let it run its course
After:
- Water (when ready)
- Quiet space
- Heavy blanket
- No talking about it
- Maybe gentle rocking
- Sleep often needed
One dad’s perfect response: Sat beside his son during 40-minute meltdown. Said nothing. Just breathed. Son eventually crawled into his lap. Still no words. Magic.
What Doesn’t Help
❌ Reasoning or explaining
❌ Punishment or consequences
❌ Asking them to “use words”
❌ Bright lights or loud voices
❌ Multiple adults intervening
❌ Rushing them through it
Tantrums: The Power Struggle Performance
What’s Actually Happening
Your child’s thinking brain is still working. They’re pissed off and they want you to know it. This is communication, not overwhelm.
Think of it as a strongly worded email to management.
The Dead Giveaways
The performance elements:
- Checks you’re watching
- Pauses if you walk away
- Volume adjusts to audience
- Different tactics if first doesn’t work
- Can stop for interesting distractions
- Remembers exactly what they wanted
Classic tantrum moments:
- “But you said maybe!”
- Throws self on floor dramatically
- “I NEED the red cup!” (blue cup is identical)
- Stops crying to clarify demands
- “You’re the worst mummy EVER!”
Common Triggers
- Being told “no”
- Not getting desired item/activity
- Having to stop preferred activity
- Wanting control or choice
- Testing boundaries
- Seeking connection (even negative)
What Actually Works (Without Giving In)
My script (stolen from a brilliant mum): “I know. This is hard. My answer is still no. I love you.” Repeat. Don’t add words. Don’t explain.
The acknowledgment magic:
- “You’re so angry about the red cup”
- “You hate when I say no”
- “You wish we could buy all the toys”
They feel heard. Storm passes faster.
After the storm:
- Cuddle if they want
- Don’t lecture
- Maybe acknowledge: “That was hard”
- Move on
- No grudges
One mum’s genius: “When my son tantrums for iPad, I say ‘Yes! After dinner.’ Same answer, feels different. Fewer tantrums.”
What Doesn’t Help
❌ Giving in to stop it
❌ Getting angry back
❌ Long explanations
❌ Punishment for feelings
❌ Ignoring completely if they need connection
Shutdowns: The Silent Scream
What’s Actually Happening
Same overwhelm as a meltdown, but imploding instead of exploding. Often happens when children learn their meltdowns upset people.
This isn’t “good behaviour.” This is a nervous system playing dead.
The Quiet Warning Signs
What you might miss:
- Suddenly “perfect” behaviour
- Stops stimming (red flag!)
- Goes still and quiet
- Blank face, empty eyes
- Floppy body or very rigid
- “Yes” to everything (but not present)
A teacher told me: “He’s so good in class. Never causes trouble.” Mum replied: “Then why does he scream for 2 hours when he gets home?”
The shutdown at school. The meltdown at home. Same overwhelm.
Common Triggers
- Same as meltdowns but child goes inward
- History of meltdowns being punished
- Overwhelming social situations
- Feeling unseen or unheard
- Chronic stress or anxiety
- Sensory overload they can’t escape
What Brings Them Back
The gentle approach:
- Sit nearby, no demands
- Maybe hum quietly
- Offer water (just place it near)
- Weighted blanket if they like
- Patient, patient, patient
- Let them come to you
What one child said later: “My brain went away. I could see you but couldn’t get back.”
Recovery signs:
- Eye movement returns
- Small movements
- Might seek deep pressure
- Often very tired
- May not remember it
Important: Shutdowns are just as serious as meltdowns. Just quieter.
What Doesn’t Help
❌ Forcing interaction
❌ Bright cheerfulness
❌ Demanding eye contact
❌ Physical movement they don’t initiate
❌ Treating it as defiance
Quick Recognition Guide
In the Moment, Ask Yourself:
Can they hear me if I speak calmly?
- No → Likely meltdown
- Yes → Might be tantrum
- No response → Could be shutdown
Did something specific trigger this?
- Sensory/overwhelm → Meltdown
- Being told no → Tantrum
- Withdrew quietly → Shutdown
Are they watching for my reaction?
- No, seem unaware → Meltdown
- Yes, checking impact → Tantrum
- Blank stare → Shutdown
The Messy Reality Check
Truth bomb: Sometimes you can’t tell. Sometimes it’s both. Sometimes a tantrum becomes a meltdown when you hold the boundary.
That’s normal.
When I’m confused, I:
- Assume nervous system need first
- Get us somewhere calmer
- Breathe like my life depends on it
- Say less, not more
- Trust it will pass
A dad’s wisdom: “I stopped trying to figure it out during. I just try to be the calm guy. Sort it out later.”
When Your Child Can’t Tell You With Words
In my 25 years, the children labelled “most challenging” were usually the ones trying hardest to communicate.
Your non-speaking child might be saying:
- “The label in my shirt is torture”
- “That smell makes me sick”
- “I can hear the electricity humming”
- “I’m terrified and can’t explain why”
- “My routine changed and my world ended”
Without words, they use:
- Meltdowns (“HELP!”)
- Tantrums (“Listen to me!”)
- Shutdowns (“I give up”)
- Aggression (“I’m desperate”)
- Running (“Must escape”)
Every behaviour has a message. Our job? Become translators.
Your Emergency Response Cards
(write these on index cards to reference,
or put them on a notepad in your phone)
🌊 Meltdown Response
“You’re safe. I’m here.”
- Move to calmer space
- No talking
- Breathe loudly
- Wait it out
- Water after
🎭 Tantrum Response
“I know. Still no. Love you.”
- Stay boring calm
- Acknowledge feelings
- Hold boundary
- Don’t negotiate mid-tantrum
- Reconnect after
🔕 Shutdown Response
“I’m here. No rush.”
- Reduce all demands
- Quiet presence
- Maybe humming
- Patient waiting
- Gentle re-entry
Your This Week Challenge
Day 1-2: Just Watch
No fixing. No judging. Just notice:
- What happens before?
- What does it look like?
- How long does it last?
- What helps (even a tiny bit)?
Day 3-4: Try One Thing
Pick ONE response from above. Use it consistently. Doesn’t work? That’s data.
Day 5-7: Adjust
Based on what you learned:
- Earlier intervention?
- Different response?
- Environmental change?
Track Simply
“Tuesday – Meltdown – Tesco lights – 20 mins – Got to car helped”
That’s enough.
One Final Truth
A mum once said: “I used to dread meltdowns. Now I see them as my daughter trying to tell me something important. Still hard. But different hard.”
That shift? That’s everything.