Three Types of Connection Play
Written by Hulya Mehmet, Consultant Speech & Language Therapist
The Play Therapy Session That Changed Everything
A mother brought her 5-year-old to see me. “He won’t play properly,” she said. “Just lines up caesar tips toys out of boxes.”
I watched them. She’d try to make the cars race. He’d line them up again. She’d create stories. He’d line them up again. Both miserable.
“Stop trying to fix his play,” I said.
She looked at me like I’d lost my mind.
“Just line up cars with him.”
Three weeks later she called: “He showed me his favourite car yesterday. First time he’s ever shared anything about his play. We lined up cars for an hour. It was… peaceful.”
That’s when I realised: We don’t need to teach children to play. We need to learn how to join them.
Type 1: Parallel Play (The Art of Being Near)
What This Really Means
Remember when you were young, how comforting it was when Mum was just… there? Not talking, not teaching. Just there, maybe folding laundry while you played?
That’s parallel play. You, doing your thing. Them, doing their thing. Same space. No pressure.
It looks boring. It’s actually revolutionary.
Why This Works (The Science Bit)
Your child’s nervous system is constantly asking: “Am I safe?” When you sit near them without demands, their nervous system says: “Yes. Safe. Can relax now.”
That’s when development happens. Not when we’re teaching. When they’re relaxed.
How to Actually Do This
- Sit near but not in their space – Close enough they know you’re there, far enough they don’t feel invaded
- Get your own materials – Their blocks? Get your own blocks
- Copy loosely, not exactly – They stack? You stack. But your way
- Zip it – Seriously. No narrating. No teaching. Shush
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Monday – James (age 4) sorting Lego by colour Mum sits down with own pile of Lego. Sorts by size instead. No talking. After 20 minutes, James glances at her pile. Next day, he sorts some by size. Connection starting.
Tuesday – Aisha (age 3) “reading” same book over and over Dad gets his own book. Sits nearby. Turns pages when she does. Day 3: She brings him a book. First time ever.
Wednesday – Marcus (age 5) lining up dinosaurs Nana lines up her own dinosaurs. Different order. Marcus watches from corner of eye. Week 2: “Nana dinosaur wrong.” First words to Nana in months.
See the pattern? No pressure. Just presence.
How You’ll Know It’s Working
Watch for these tiny miracles:
- They glance at your play (huge!)
- They inch closer (massive!)
- They “steal” from your pile (celebration time!)
- They make sounds near you (getting ready to communicate!)
When you see these signs, you can:
- Smile when they look (no words!)
- Make tiny sound effects (“whoosh” for cars)
- Gently slide your play closer
- But mostly? Keep doing what you’re doing
The Mistakes That Kill Connection
❌ The Narrator: “Oh wonderful! You’re stacking red blocks! One, two, three blocks!” Your child’s thought: “Great, now it’s work.”
❌ The Teacher: “Let’s sort these by size! Big and small!” Your child’s thought: “I was happy. Now I’m wrong.”
❌ The Fixer: “Here sweetheart, they’ll balance better this way.” Your child’s thought: “I can’t even play right.”
✅ The Present Parent: Silent. Available. Trusting. Your child’s thought: “Safe. I can be me.”
Type 2: Mirror Play (Becoming Their Echo)
The Day I Learned to Copy
Little Sarah, 3 years old. Non-speaking. Her play? Tapping spoons on everything. Her parents were exhausted. “All day, just tap tap tap.”
“Show me,” I said.
Tap tap tap on the table. Tap tap tap on the chair. Tap tap tap on her knee.
I picked up a spoon. Copied exactly. Her rhythm. Her intensity. Her pattern.
She froze. Stared. Then smiled – the first time her parents had seen her smile in weeks.
Tap tap tap, she continued. Tap tap tap, I copied.
Then magic: She tapped twice. Waited. Looked at me.
She was inviting me to conversation. With spoons.
Why Mirroring Is Magic
When you copy your child exactly, you’re saying in their language: “I see you. I hear you. Your way is valid.”
It’s like speaking French to someone French. Finally, someone speaks their language!
The Mirror Play Method
- Watch like a detective – What exactly are they doing? Speed? Rhythm? Intensity?
- Copy like a photocopier – Exactly. If they’re gentle, be gentle. If they’re vigorous, match it
- Wait for the magic – After 5-10 exact copies, they’ll notice. They’ll test you. This is gold
- Add tiny variations – After they’re engaged, try one small change. They reject it? Back to exact copying
Real Mirroring Stories
Tom’s Jumping
Tom jumped on the sofa. Constantly. Drove everyone mad. Dad started jumping too. Same rhythm. Same energy. Day 3: Tom stopped mid-jump. Watched Dad. Giggled. Day 5: Tom jumped twice, waited for Dad. Week 2: “Dad jump!” First request ever.
Lily’s Humming
Lily hummed one note. All day. “Mmmmmmm.” Mum started humming too. Same note. Same length. Lily changed pitch. Mum copied. Within days: Full humming conversations. Month later: “Mmmmmummy.”
Ahmed’s Hand Flapping
Everyone tried to stop his flapping. I said “Join him.” Therapist flapped too. Ahmed stopped. Stared. Laughed! Started flapping again – but now watching therapist. First shared joy. From flapping.
The pattern? Copy first. Connect happens.
Signs Your Mirroring Is Working
Your child will:
- Stop and check if you’re still copying (huge trust moment)
- Test you with new movements (they’re playing with you!)
- Laugh or smile at the copying (shared joy)
- Start natural turn-taking (foundation of conversation)
- Bring you objects to copy with (including you in their world)
When you see these, you can carefully:
- Add one tiny change (if they bop 3 times, try 4)
- Create suspense (pause before copying)
- Add sound effects (but gentle ones)
- Let them catch you copying and laugh about it
But always: Return to their way. They lead, you follow.
Why This Changes Everything
A father told me: “I spent years trying to stop his repetitive behaviours. When I started copying them instead, he looked at me – really looked at me – for the first time in months. Like he was saying ‘Finally, someone understands.'”
When you mirror, you’re not just copying movements. You’re saying:
- Your way of being is perfect
- You’re worth studying
- I want to understand your language
- You can trust me
That’s where words are born. In being deeply seen.
Type 3: Sensory Play (The Body’s Language)
When Movement Is Communication
I once worked with Ben. Six years old. No words. But when his dad started wrestling with him – gentle, playful wrestling – Ben started making sounds. Happy sounds. Requesting sounds. “More” sounds.
Three months of daily play wrestling. First word? “Dad.” Second word? “Again.” From wrestling. Not flashcards.
Your child’s body knows things their mouth can’t say yet. Sensory play lets them communicate with their whole self.
Why Bodies Need to Play
Some children’s nervous systems are like engines stuck in neutral. They need sensory input to get into gear. That’s when their communication system comes online.
Think about it – when do you talk most freely? Sitting still at a desk? Or walking with a friend?
Movement unlocks communication. Always has.
Sensory Play That Builds Connection
Movement Play (Gets Words Flowing)
- Swinging: Side by side at park. No talking needed. Just swinging. Watch them start to vocalise
- Bouncing: On bed (yes, really). “Bounce bounce STOP!” Wait for any signal for “more”
- Spinning: Office chair spins. Control to them. They gesture/sound for “more”? Gold
- Dancing: Their music. Copy their moves. Connection through rhythm
- Running: Chase games. Simple. Primal. Gets sounds out
Touch Play (Calms to Connect)
- Water play: Pouring back and forth. Natural turn-taking. Add “splash!”
- Playdough: Squish together. Make snakes. No end product. Just squishing
- Sand/Rice bin: Hide toys. Find together. “Oh!” when found
- Bubbles: You blow. They pop. Ancient rhythm of interaction
- Gentle wrestling: If they like it. Builds trust like nothing else
Heavy Work (Organises the System)
- Push/Pull: Laundry basket rides. They’re the engine. You’re the carriages
- Carrying: “Help” with shopping bags (tiny ones). Feel important
- Building: Couch cushion forts. Crash them down. Build again
- Squeezes: Some kids need deep pressure. Bear hugs. Sandwich games
- Digging: Sand, mud, garden. Effort organises the nervous system
Adding Communication Without Forcing
The Magic of Anticipation
“Ready…” [Wait. Make eye contact] “…steady…” [Wait longer. Build excitement] “…GO!”
That pause? That’s where communication lives. They’ll start:
- Looking at you expectantly
- Making sounds for “go”
- Bouncing to request
- Maybe even attempting “go!”
Rhythm Builds Language
Bounce, bounce, STOP [freeze dramatically] They’ll request “more” somehow – guarantee it
Fast fast fast… slow [exaggerate the change] They’ll start anticipating, maybe vocalising
Up up up… DOWN! [make it fun] The pattern teaches conversation rhythm
Choices That Don’t Need Words
Hold up bubbles in one hand, balloon in other. They point? Communication! They look? Communication! They grab? Communication! They turn away? Communication!
Accept all responses as valid
When Sensory Play Goes Wrong (And How to Fix It)
Signs of too much:
- Silly getting sillier (heading for meltdown)
- Can’t stop when asked
- Getting rougher/more chaotic
- Eyes looking “gone”
- Not responding to their name
What to do:
- Slow everything down
- Lower your voice
- Reduce intensity
- Add deep pressure (firm hugs)
- Transition to calm activity
Remember: Some children need LESS sensory input, not more. If your child covers ears, avoids touch, hates movement – respect that. Sensory play might be gentle hand massage, not wrestling.
Which Type for YOUR Child?
Start with Parallel Play if your child:
- Plays alone and seems to prefer it
- Gets upset when you join directly
- Is deeply focused on their activities
- Needs space but likes you near
- Has just had a diagnosis
- Is in a new environment
This is your “getting comfortable” play
Try Mirror Play if your child:
- Does the same thing repeatedly (and repeatedly and repeatedly)
- Makes sounds while playing
- Likes when things match
- Watches you sneakily
- Enjoys predictable games
- Tests your reactions
This is your “building trust” play
Use Sensory Play if your child:
- Never. Stops. Moving.
- Crashes into everything
- Calms with squeezes
- Talks more on swings
- Seeks bear hugs
- Comes alive during physical play
This is your “regulation and connection” play
Your 10-Minute Mission (Should You Choose to Accept It)
Forget the Pinterest activities. Forget the developmental checklists. This week, you have one job:
10 minutes. One play type. Full presence.
The Rules:
- Phone in another room (I’m serious)
- Same time each day (after breakfast? before bath?)
- No teaching. None. Zip. Zilch.
- Just be with your child their way
What to Notice:
- Which type felt least awful? (Start there)
- When did your child seem most relaxed?
- What made YOU most uncomfortable? (That’s growth calling)
- How did you both feel after?
Write it down. Three words is enough: “Parallel play. Relaxed. Connected.” “Mirror play. Laughed. Exhausting.” “Sensory play. Happy. Messy.”
The Truth About Your Child’s Play
Your child who lines things up? They’re learning order in chaos.
Your child who spins? They’re regulating their nervous system.
Your child who plays alone? They’re protecting their focus.
Your child who repeats endlessly? They’re mastering their universe.
They don’t need you to fix their play. They need you to join it. To honour it. To see the brilliance in it.
Because when a child feels truly seen in their play, truly accepted, truly joined without judgment – that’s when the magic happens.
That’s when they might – just might – invite you deeper into their world.
And that invitation? That’s where communication begins.